Why The Problem of Gender is Everyone's Problem

This post was guest-written for Root to Rise by RDY by Kirsty Le Juge (@kirstylejugeyoga).

‘Masculinity is a hard, small cage, and we put boys inside this cage,’ wrote Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie in her book ‘We Should All Be Feminists.’

Shame and vulnerability researcher Dr Brene Brown described the same idea when she recounted, in her 2012 TED Talk ‘Listening to Shame’, a conversation she had with a man at a book signing:

“You see those books you just signed for my wife and my three daughters? They'd rather me die on top of my white horse than watch me fall down. When we reach out and be vulnerable, we get the shit beat out of us.”

It was the same sentiment echoed by a woman who said to me that she wouldn’t want to marry a ‘crier’, and by the countless women who say they don’t date men shorter than them.

At Root to Rise, our conversations have consistently come back to the idea that the problem of gender, a problem that sees disproportionate levels of violence against women by men, is everyone’s problem.

It affects everyone, on every level, of almost* every society (the almost is a caveat to cover my ass – I personally don’t know of a society that has achieved full gender equality but please correct me if I’m wrong). 

As a society, we often say that violence against women is a men’s problem because men carry out the violence. This is absolutely true, but we also need to discuss the fact that reinforcing gender roles and norms, rather than embracing each other and ourselves as we are, is detrimental to everyone.

Here in Mexico, boys are taught that they should be ‘feo, fuerte y formal.’ This translates as ugly (or tough), strong and formal (or chivalrous). I suppose by that same logic, for their part, girls should be pretty, weak and in need of protection?

In societies where boys, who then grow into men, are encouraged by everyone to be emotionless, protective and ego-driven, who benefits? Who actually benefits from toxic masculinity, from machismo societies? I’m quite sure the answer is no one. 

In saying this, I am certainly not excusing the violent actions of men that have taken place against women all over the world, nor am I saying ‘it’s not their fault, they didn’t know any better.’ 

In fact, when a man who worked in this field at the UN in Mexico first told me what I’m saying now, I was absolutely outraged. I was furious that he might try, as I saw it, to make excuses for the shitty behaviour of men, and for making them into victims. 

Now I understand that at the heart of the problem of violence against women, is a broader problem of gender. Violent crimes against women don’t happen in a vacuum, they happen in societies that delegate specific roles, responsibilities and behaviours to both men and women. Our job is to break these norms and challenge these expectations.

I’d love to have these conversations with the men in my life as often as I do with the women in my life, and I see Root to Rise as a platform that allows that conversation, and in turn, makes space for change.